Crashed The Wedding
by Madcow5678
Summary: Chapter five up! After Shelley Marsh leaves Kevin heartbroken, he knows he has to do something. Unfortunately, that something involves crashing the love of his life's wedding. Told from Kenny's POV.
1. Chapter 1

**I own nothing: Characters belong to Matt Stone and Trey Parker and Comedy Central. **

"Kev, dude, calm down."

It's weird when your brother, who, aside from being four years older than you, usually doesn't seem capable of stringing more than four short words together to make a sentence, is dancing around your shabby excuse for a living room, chattering at one hundred miles an hour about how he's gonna ask his fabulously violent and short-tempered girlfriend to marry him, despite the fact that he's only just turned nineteen.

"I don't wanna calm down!!"

Kevin envelops me in a hug that knocks the air out of my lungs and continues to waltz me around the living room, all the time laughing manically and gibbering about how awesome being married to Shelley will be. Considering he hasn't even popped the question to her yet, it's kind of jumping the gun, but since they've been dating on and off since they were 13, it's pretty obvious what the answer will be. Also, anything but the word which is three letters long, begins with "y" and ends with "s" as an answer to a proposal in this redneck mountain town would surely be the cause of the next mob-gathering (hey, it's been over three days since the last time they got the opportunity to wield their torches: something has to happen soon, otherwise there may even be an international incident).

Since Kevin doesn't seem to be capable of acting remotely sane in the next ten minutes, I wait until Karen comes home from that weird kid, Dougie's house and then head to my room, where Kristin Queen's rocking tits are mine to stare at. I can still hear my brother's inane ramblings, so I put Nirvana on. Loud.

The hole in my roof (which has been there since I was three) means that everyone else in South Park can probably hear it, but who cares? The only people who are close enough to be bothered by it are Stan's family (who won't care anyway) and that weird mean old lady who lives down the street.

She hates everyone: Jews, Mexicans, Blacks, Sikhs, Hindus, Children, Teenagers, Muslims, Alcoholics, Catholics, Mormons, Irish …basically everyone in this town, especially us. That woman would take the breath from a dying child. Actually she did once. I was in hospital and so was she. Since our hospital is kind of crappy, they only had enough oxygen for one patient. They gave it to me, but she unplugged the respirator and used it for herself. I was dying of a lung collapse. She had a sprained ankle. It's a pleasure to annoy her, so my family and I do so very regularly. It's a strange way to bond as a family, but it works.

As I listen to the music, I think about stuff. Stuff like the fact that if Shelley does say yes to Kevin, me and Stan will be Brothers in law. Which is typical of this town, but somehow annoying.

Just then, my CD player decides to blow up in my face, literally. So I die. And when I come back, Kevin is sitting on the couch, hugging my mom with tears streaming down his face. Kevin never cries, not ever.

"C'mon, Kevin, honey. Stop crying. You know she ain't worth it."

Kevin shakes his head and when he speaks, his voice keeps shaking "I love her mom. Like you love Dad. So why did she leave me?"

Where is Dad anyway?

Karen sees me looking and comes over to me "Shelley dumped him. For that Skyler dude. Skyler asked her to marry him. She said yes."

Kevin's voice sounds stronger now "I'll get her back. I don't care what I have to do. I'll do anything for her."

Something tells me that my life just got a whole lot more messed up…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay, change of plan, this is no longer a two-shot.**

**Thank you so so** **much to screamxaimxfire, Kitsuyo-dono** and **Don'tKillKenny for reviewing Chapter one. Reviews are so awesome.**

**I own nothing: Characters belong to Matt Stone and Trey Parker and Comedy Central. **

**The song _I Miss You_ belongs to Blink 182**

I wake up to the sound of Mom screaming at me. Nothing new there then.

"KENNY!! Your friend Stan wants to talk to ya!!"

I drag myself out of bed, instantly loosing all the heat I've managed to accumulate during the night and pick up the phone, which is held together with scotch tape and chewing gum. Another of Kevin's bright ideas.

"Yeah?"

"Hey dude"

"What time do you call this, Stan? I happened to be in bed, where I was vaguely warm, and dreaming of naked chicks. This had better be good."

"Dude, it's like three in the afternoon. And Shelley's getting married."

"Nothing I don't already know…"

"To Skyler. I thought she was dating your brother"

"So did I till he came home crying like a two-year-old last night"

I feel bad for being mean to Stan: it's not like it's his fault. But he's not having to put up with an older brother who is depressed than all of the Goth Kids put together, who is constantly playing Blink 182's I miss you (apparently it was his and Shelley's song) and who has already broken two of his knuckles after punching the wall. Add that to Dad coming back from the bar, taking one look at Kevin and passing out (the fact that he was completely inebriated probably had something to do with it), and that Mom has just poured cold water over him and now they are bitching at each other AND that Karen is making threats to go and kick Shelley's ass while stealing my shoes and you may be able to see why I was so pissed off.

Oh shit. And now the weird mean old skank from down the street (hereafter referred to as WMOSFDS) is screaming about Expecting nothing better from Irish Catholic Drunkards…

"Kenny? Kenny, you still there?"

Oops, forgot Stan was still there.

"uh…I'll…call you later, Stan…"

No sooner have I put the phone down and start to contemplate what will get chewing gum off of my fingers than the phone rings again

"Stan?"

"uh, uh N-no, I-it's Butters"

Why the hell is Butters calling me?

"Um…hey Butters, what's up?"

"I uh…heard about your b-brother. A-and I think it was, well g-gosh darn mean of-of Shelley to do s-something like that."

I close my eyes. How fast does news travel around here?

"Yeah, it was a pretty shitty thing to do. Uh, listen Butters, I…think the phone's ringing, I'll talk to you tomorrow, 'kay?"

"B-but you're already on the ph-"

I hang up anyway and I've barely turned around when the stupid phone rings yet again. For fuck's sake.

"Yes, Shelley Marsh did dump my brother, can you get off the phone now?!"

"What?! AAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

Crap. It's Cartman

"Shut up laughing, you fat dick!"

"Ohhh man! Your stupid redneck brother got dumped on by that bitch? Ohhmigahd, that's priceless!!" The stupid fucking cock-blocker carries on laughing.

I slam the phone down so hard it splits in two, despite the chewing gum and scotch tape. I try and fit it back together, since Mom or Dad or both will bitch at me for breaking it (once they've finished screaming each other and WMOSFDS senseless). Unfortunately, like pretty much everything else we own, it's a complete death trap: the minute I touch the wires, the electricity rushes through my body and I die again. I open my eyes to see the oh-so-familiar sights of Hell. Damien is standing in front of me.

"Hey McCormick."

"Hi"

"Is it true?"

"Huh?"

"That Shelley dumped your brother and left him a broken shell of a man?"

"THAT DOES IT!!"

I suddenly come back to Earth with a crash. I have got to get Kevin and Shelley back together. I don't care what I have to do: I can't take any more of this!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three...This is the result of writer's block at it's worst. this chapter was mostly done in bits and pieces, so it may not be as good as usual. _Please review_ and tell me honestly, whether it's good or bad.**

**Thanks to **screamxaimxfire **and** JVM-sp150 **for being cool enough to review. **

JVM-sp150**: Yeah, they are quite similar now that I think about it. Your stories are awesome. **

**This Chapter is dedicated to Willow and Felicia since I made them read practically all of it, and also to Zib, just for reading the first two chapters and being my BFF.**

**I own nothing. Characters © to Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

"You've got a fucking nerve coming here, you stupid bitch!!"

"But I just want to talk to Kev-"

"OUT!! NOW!!"

"What the-? Karen, you don't talk to people like that!! Go…do something else"

Sounds like something potentially interesting is happening. I stick my head out of my door (Or what's left of it, Kevin keeps punching random objects and has managed to punch a hole straight through it) to see Shelley standing in the doorway, Karen standing on her tiptoes with squared shoulders and an expression that says "Say one wrong thing and you will die" and Kevin managing to look upset, hopeful, nervous, annoyed, happy and petrified all at once.

"Just say what you have to say Shelley."

As it happens, Shelley says nothing. She's too busy looking warily at Karen, and I can't really say I blame her. My sister has a pretty scary temper. She took after both parents in that respect. Kevin sees Shelley looking at her

"Karen. Out."

"I'm staying right here."

"Kevin, be nice to your sister."

"But _Dad_!!"

"I mean it!"

Karen smirks at Kevin and then glares back at Shelley. "Make it quick"

"I just came to give you your stuff back."

In her arms, she's holding a box, which is overflowing with random objects. Kevin bites his lip and I can see tears in his eyes. He takes the box from her and puts it on the floor.

"There's something else too." She hands him something, which shines in the light. Oh man: not the ring. I remember all the crap he went through to get her that. It's silver, with a strange, swirly, Celtic design on it, and inside is engraved "K+S Love".

"Shelley, why are you doing this? I love you."

"Kevin, I'm with Skyler now, you know that."

"He can't love you like I do."

(Wow, Kevin is sounding scarily calm for someone who's been going around punching walls and crying for the last three days, and who is now having "The break-up talk")

"He has money. He can look after me"

Ouch. That was below the belt. And what is this, 1729? Why is she worried about money so much? She's dated my brother since they were 13. Money's never been an issue until now. Weirdo.

As she has heard these last few exchanges, Karen's eyebrows have been getting closer and closer together. He hands are shaking and are clenched into fists and her face has turned scarily pale, with her cheeks bright red, as though someone's slapped her.

Yup, looks like someone is going to end up getting hurt.

Uh-huh, Karen is jumping….oooh! Nicely apprehended by Kevin there. She's hitting, she's kicking…and those nice purple pointy-toed shoes that she got from the thrift store for 1.25 (See! My sister DOES possess shoes of her own. So why does she always want to wear mine?) have made contact with Shelley's face…rather hard if Shelley's screaming is anything to go by.

"He doesn't love you, does he, Shell?" Kevin says when our little angel of a sister has been dispatched from the hall to the living room, with Dad, to watch Nightmare before Christmas.

Shelley doesn't say anything, just bites her lip and looks despondent, which, I can tell you, is a rare experience when you're around Shelley Marsh. Ever since I've known Stan, and her by relation, I've always known her to be violent, angry, passionate, outspoken, uncaring. Until now. She's acting…strange to say the least…

"Come on, Ken, please?"

"Kevin, why the hell do I have to come with you to yell at Skyler?"

"…Good question. Because, that's why."

"If you're planning to kill him, wouldn't Karen be a better person to take? She'd probably do the job for you."

"She's eleven. Mom would get mad"

"True, but I still don't see…"

"Kenny, shut up and come on, will you?"

We come up to 158904 Bulevar de sueños quebrados, which, according to the piece of paper that I pickpocketed from Shelley's jacket should be Skyler's house. I can't say I'm that impressed. I know I'm a fine one to talk, considering where I live, but at least, as a rule, we don't have random hobos shacked out in our front yard. (Not that there's much room considering the dogs, cats, rats, car parts, piles of tyres, various electrical appliances that don't work anymore and old furniture that are in our yard) Kevin gingerly steps over the aforementioned hobos and bangs on the door.

No answer.

Another rap at the door, harder this time.

Still nothing.

"Open the fucking door, Moles!! I know you're in there!!"

A few scuffling sounds and a couple of bangs and then the door flies open

"Look buddy, I don't care who sent you, but whatever it is, I ain't interested. And if you've left any damage, you're damned well paying for it!"

Wow…Skyler seems to look even more of a washed-up retard than the last time I saw him, which was when I was eight. Jeez. He has a week's growth of beard, hair that looks as though he's stuck his fingers into a plug socket, his pupils are dilated, his clothes are a mess and there are blisters around his mouth. Nice. If this guy has money now, I doubt he'll have any at all in three months time.

Fortunately, (or unfortunately, as the case maybe), Kevin is never slowed by appearances. He marches right up to the washed-up druggie in front of us, all geared up for a fight.

"What have you been doing to Shelley?!"

"Who?"

The hell? I've yet to meet anyone who could forget Shelley Marsh.

"The girl you stole from me. Your fiancé." Kevin is speaking through gritted teeth.

"Ohh...I haven't done anything to her: frigid bitch won' fuckin' let me…"

There's a loud crunching sound as Kevin swings his arm round and smashes it into Skyler's jaw. Skyler staggers backwards, clutching his jaw.

"Don't you ever DARE talk about her that way!!"

I've hardly ever seen Kevin get mad at all: but now that he has, I can see a weird resemblance to Karen: same stance and everything.

Oh fuck. You turn your back for 30 seconds and look what happens: Kevin and Skyler are rolling around on the floor, beating the shit out of each other. They seem pretty evenly matched, although Kevin does have the advantage of not being drugged up to his eyeballs. Skyler is now sporting bruises on his face, and a black eye, while my brother has a pretty nasty looking gash on his cheek, and a bleeding nose.

Man, all this, just for one chick….

Aw, shit. Skyler's just slammed Kevin's head back onto the sidewalk. His eyes roll backwards into his head, and his body stops moving. Damnit.

"If I ever see you, or your stupid brother here again, I'll kill ya."

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you."

I drag Kevin back home and wait for him to gain consciousness, which is a lot longer than you'd think. When he does, Karen patches him up, since Dad's out drinking again, and Mom is asleep. And then I try and start a fire, only I end up lighting my self on fire. So I die. What a world.


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry it took so long. Again, I own nothing**

"Kenny…That creepy guy is still in the bushes…"

"What does he look like?"

"He has a guitar…and a baseball cap…and he's trying to look at us through some crappy looking binoculars…"

"Is that fucktard, Skyler still out there?"

"Kevin, as the French would say, _Le Duh_."

For fuck's sake, this is getting ridiculous: Skyler has been camped out in the scrubby patch of bushes at the side of our house for the past week. What he's trying to accomplish by doing so, I have no idea.

"Kevin?"

"Dad?"

"Why is there some weirdo out in the bushes? Do we owe him money?"

"No"

"Thank God for that. Well can you just get rid of him? He's starting to piss me off."

"Dad, trust me, if I could, I would"

As I no doubt have said before, my little sister is a quick-tempered, shoe-stealing, short-ass little dude, but it's at times like this (i.e. when you have your brother's love rival attempting to stalk you in your own back yard) that really bring out the best in people. Being the cutie that she is, she managed to wheedle Cartman's mom into giving her some of Mr Kitty's catnip (I have a feeling she may have begged for it, but either way…) and is now standing alongside a conveniently placed bush, which happens to be "hiding" (I use that term very loosely) Skyler.

"C'mon…_come_ on, good kitties, _come on_ –look what I for ya!"

Wow…who knew alley cats loved catnip so much? There must be at least ten of them, who are all coming closer and closer towards Karen, and more importantly, the bush.

Wait, how come they're not trying to scratch her ankles to ribbons, like they do every time me or Kevin come within 50 feet of them? Two-faced little buttholes…

Karen chucks the catnip into the bush, making it land square on his lap. She always did have stunningly good aim. The cats see this and go straight for the prize, which in this case is the finest catnip money can buy, with a nice added bonus of Skyler's manhood.

Within about .00000001 of a second, screams of pain are coming from the bushes. We all rush outside (Yes, we are vile facsimiles of jokes of shams of human beings for wanting to see this-deal with it).

Skyler is covered from head to toe with scratches, bite marks, cat piss (it's a shame he's not into cheesing, really) and the remains of the cat nip. The guitar isn't looking that much better: the neck's warped and the tuning pegs have come off. Plus now all but one of the strings have snapped. Not to mention it has a huge split, right down the middle. Skyler takes one look at it and lets out a long agonised scream, which seems to be slightly higher than usual.

At this, Karen's lip starts to tremble and she stuffs her fist against her mouth to stop herself from laughing out loud. I put a hand on her shoulder and I can feel her entire body shaking with screams of laughter. Within thirty seconds, she forgets all pretence of tact, and making the whole thing look like an accident and shrieks with amusement. Unfortunately, her laugh is so damned infectious that Kevin and me are soon doing the same. Both my siblings have tears of laughter streaming down their faces, and if Kevin wasn't holding her up, I can tell my sister would be flat out on the sidewalk right now. Although, having said that, I'm doubled up laughing myself, and my parents aren't exactly doing a great job of keeping a straight face either.

While all this is going on, Skyler's eyebrows have been knitting tighter and tighter together, and when he sees my brother and sister pissing themselves laughing at his expense, I swear the vein throbbing in his forehead looks like it will explode at any second. Suddenly, without any warning, he grabs hold of Karen by the collar of her shirt and yanks her back towards him. My parents stop laughing in an instant (They never did have much of a sense of humour where us kids were concerned), but my sister is still in the midst of hysteria, even though Skyler looks as though he could cheerfully murder her.

"Very big of you, Moles, threatening an eleven-year old. How 'bout you pick on someone your own size??"

Skyler gives Kevin what I think he imagines to be a death glare. Pfft. My brother sees me die on an almost daily basis, usually in a very bloody and graphic way. I don't think he even gets scared of anything anymore. Well, except losing Shelley, evidently.

Kevin moves towards him, preparing for another fight, but just as he's about to grab hold of Karen, Druggie boy (i.e. Skyler) pulls out a knife. A kitchen knife, true enough, but none of my family are fool enough to get into a knife fight.

"Uh…. can you let me go now dickhe-uh…I mean Mr Skyler, sir?"

"Shut up, you bratty l'il-OW!!"

I'm not sure what Skyler's "OW"ing at, the fact that my sister just shoved her elbow back into his balls, or that she's now screaming, at the top of her lungs. She doesn't do it that often but once Karen starts screaming, she won't stop, not until a) she gets her own way, b) she faints or c) Her voice gives out. Sweet Lord, save us all.

"Okay, move along people, nothing to see here…"

"HELP!! Officer Barbrady!! HELP!! This man just came and took ahold of me and I'm SCARED!!"

Wow, who knew my sister was such a good actress? She was obviously paying attention at those gay-ass "Stranger Danger" assemblies they have at school (More than I can say I was doing, I have to admit…Well they were boring…)

"OW!! Oh Fuck, God NO!! My eyes!!"

Heh. Guess Officer Barbrady isn't just an incompetent idiot. No wait, scratch that, he's an incompetent idiot, who happens to carry around large quantities of pepper spray, and who is inclined to believe whatever small children tell him. I may not harass him for the next few days. Well, a few hours at least.

"Move along sir, before I have you arrested."

Skyler doesn't say anything. He's busy simultaneously rubbing his eyes and fumbling around in one of his pockets. I wonder if he's going to throw a grenade at us (trust me, it wouldn't be the first time). No, looks like he's getting his phone out. He turns to look at us and smirks

"Shelley, I wanna be with you now. Let's get married this afternoon"

Aw shit.

We all stand there, with our mouths hanging open, stunned into silence. Well, until Officer Barbrady reverses into me and everything goes black. Before I go, I hear two voices: Stan's and Kyle's

"Hey Kyle, dude, they killed Kenny!"

"Bastards. Come on, I said to my Mom I'd watch Ike tonight"


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Sorry this took me so long, but I had the worst case of Writers Block EVER. This is dedicated to Willow who came up with a lot of stuff in this chapter, and whom I constantly bugged for advice. Also**** Thank You so much to my reviewers from Chapters 3 and 4.**

**KayTeeBeth : Aw, thanks. I'm glad to know people are actually reading ^_^**

**screamxaimxfire (twice): Thanks for the compliment on the fight scenes (which I thought I did really badly, but I could be wrong) and yeah, Karen is awesome. She is similar to JVM-sp150 's , who's stories are way better than mine , and who I would recomend reading.**

**JMV-sp150 : Yeah, Kevelly is awesome. And again, thanks for the compliments on the fight scenes **

**I own nothing: South Park, and all its glory are © to Matt Stone and Trey Parker**

"Oh my God!!!"

"What's wrong, Mom?"

No answer. Just lots of crying.

"Carol…?"

"Mom?"

"You know, we're probably more likely to find out what's happened if we go there ourselves."

"…Shut up Karen."

I can safely say that I wasn't expecting this. My mom is slumped on the floorboards, with tears streaming down her face. All the colour has gone from her face and she doesn't seem capable of speech. Not that I can blame her, considering what's lying just in front of her. Kevin is flat on his back, with a stapler in his hand. There are staples in his neck, his eyelids…any place that is visible has staples in it.

Only my brother would be determined, depressed, desperate and indeed, stupid enough to commit suicide via stapler. It seems to have worked though, to his credit. My heart sinks and I feel my brain turn numb. He shouldn't have felt the need to do this. I step forward, to try and find a pulse…

"DON'T TOUCH HIM!!!!! Don't. Touch Him…"

My Dad gently pulls my sister, who's holding on to him and crying, off and moves towards Kevin. He reaches for my brother's wrist, and then puts it down again.

"He's gone, Carol."

Half an hour later, we're all sitting in the living room, still crying. None of us can bear to move Kevin's body when he's just lying there, looking so peaceful and-

"GOD-FUCKING-DAMNIT!!!"

Me and the remainders of my family all look at each other, like something out of a bad 1960's sit-com, and then the familiar stomping sound of old, tattered, beat-up Doc Marten boots comes closer and closer.

"What the-?"

"You son of a-!"

"Huh?!"

"Kevin?"

He's standing there, looking moody, and miserable as sin, but otherwise perfectly okay. Nothing's changed about him: even the band aids on his cheek, and the bandages wrapped around his knuckles are in the exact same place.

Oh wait, guess they won't be in the exact same place anymore. Karen is hugging him around the knees so tightly that I wouldn't be surprised if his circulation has been cut off, and now Mom is smacking him around the head with a sofa cushion, shouting at him.

"Don't!" Thwack "You!" Thwack "EVER!" Thwack "Do that!" Thwack "AGAIN!" Thwack.

When Kevin has assured my Mom that he doesn't _intend_ to do it again, I smirk at him.

"Death by Stapler? You really must have been desperate." I hug him anyway: he's still my brother, and I'd miss him if he stayed dead forever.

"Death was weird. I didn't seem to go anywhere…."

"You were just floating around in nothingness?"

"Yeah, exactly"

"That's Purgatory. You go there if you have unresolved issues, or if you commit suicide."

"Now someone tells me!"

Kevin turns around and gives our Dad a dirty look. It's quite funny actually. He looks like a three-year old about to throw a tantrum.

"Thanks a bunch, Dad. Thanks to your fucked-up genes, I can't even die now!"

"Kevin, glad as I am to see you alive, if you talk to me like that again, I won't hesitate in kicking you out the house. Got that?"

Kevin scowls at my Dad, who rolls his eyes and takes another swig of his beer. I could swear he gives Kevin a wink as he does though. Far from cheering up, Kevin seems to visibly droop at this

"You might as well, Dad. If I can't have Shelley then there's no point in me staying."

"Okay, I have HAD IT!!! Kevin, for the love of all that is holy, either get over her, or go and get her back!"

There's only so much of Kevin's being a depressed, suicidal pussy that I can take before I snap.

"Yeah. You love that bitch right?"

"Don't call her that, Kaz. Of course I do."

"More than anything?"

"Sis, do you think he would have been moping this long and hard if he didn't?"

"Kenny, shush. I'm trying to give a stirring speech to our brother, which will hopefully make him stop acting pathetic and go and DO something."

"Oh sorry, carry on then."

"You know I love her more than anything. That's a stupid question"

"Well, for all your moping around, you sure as Hell don't seem to have done much about getting her back. Kevin, stop looking hurt, it's the truth and you know it."

Kevin mutters something, which seems to be along the lines of "Stupid smartass siblings". His English teacher will be thrilled that he's finally gotten the hang of alliteration, albeit three years after graduation.

"Kevin. We just want you to be happy. And it's obvious you wont be unless you're with Shelley, so just…go for it."

"Honey, your Dad's right-for once in his life."

"Yeah…Hey!"

A determined gleam comes into Kevin's eyes. I haven't seen that gleam in so long. Usually when I see it, I get worried, because it usually leads to big, dramatic events, which always seem to wind up with the police becoming involved, but anything has to be better than this.

"I'll do it. I'll get her back. Dad, how long do we have until the service starts?"

"Uh…hate to tell you, Kev, but…it started about ten minutes ago."

"WHAT?!"

"Well, you were dead…"

"Oh for-"

Kevin abruptly stops talking, looks around him, grabs Karen and me by the hands and pulls us both out the door. Looks like I also forgot how fast my brother can run.

"Come on, you two-I need to get there quick!!"

"But you run too fast"

"For the love of God, I don't have time for this!!!"

He drops both our hands and sprints off.

"Well…that was…."

"Lame"

"Took the words right out of my mouth, sister."

"So what do we do now?"

"I dunno…go for ice cream?"

"Tempting…but don't you want to see whether Kevin gets Shelley or not?"

"I guess."

"Good-I still owe Skyler a good kick in the nads."

To say how slow we are, we arrive at the church at the same time as Kevin, who's looking quite a bit scruffier than he did when we set off.

"Go on then, Kevin."

"I can't Kenny."

"Oh don't say you've turned chicken."

"No…I just want to wait until the right bit."

We both look blankly at him.

"You know, the bit "If anyone objects…""

"How will you know when that is?"

"Uh…"

"Random thought I know, but have you considered just standing at the back and objecting quietly, when they ask?"

"Wow, Kenny, that's an awfully considerate thing for you to say."

"Not really: I just don't want the entire school to rip on me for having a deranged brother, who gets into a fistfight in the middle of a wedding service."

Kevin gives me an annoyed look, which I answer with my cheesiest grin.

"So then, any ideas?"

Five minutes later, and Kevin is standing on top of a dumpster, attempting to watch the wedding.

"Have they said it yet?"

"Uh…No? I can't see from here, I'm climbing up to the window."

Karen turns to me. "Come on, we may as well go inside."

"Yeah, you're right."

We enter the church, only to be greeted by what I can only presume someone thinks is music. Looks like the Lords of the Underworld have reformed, minus Timmy, who undoubtedly has better things to do. Man, they really do suck. My sister slaps her hands over her ears and looks at me. "Kenny. I don't care: I can't take this a second longer. I'll be back in a minute with ice cream." She turns and leaves.

Where's Kevin then? I can see a vague blur outside the stained glass window, which is high above the altar, but I don't know if it's my brother or a tree (Easy to confuse: they're both tall, lanky, brown-haired…).

When the song, if you can call it that, ends, Skyler stands up. You'd think he'd at least try to neaten himself up for his own wedding, but he's still just wearing jeans with dirt, and something that looks like blood on them, and a vest saying, "Burn the Churches" on it (Which Father Maxi is glaring at). As he walks up to the altar, I can see from my place at the back that he's staggering and I know without even looking that he'll be even worse up close.

"Dearly beloved," Father Maxi gives Skyler's top another dirty look "We are gathered here today to joi-"

Crash!!!

"OW!"

Only Kevin could manage to fall through a twenty-foot high stained-glass window, smashing it to smithereens in the process, land on the groom, felling him to the floor, manage to avoid breaking every bone in his body, and be a whiny little pussy about cutting his knuckles.

At this point, Karen comes back in, holding tubs of Cookie Dough and Mint Chocolate Chip. She looks at our surroundings, and then at me

"Figure it out yourself."

She slaps her forehead "How do we get into these stupid situations?"

"If I knew, we wouldn't."

"Good point."

"Ow, son of a-"

"Skyler, dude, you can't swear in a church"

"Shut up Jonesy!" Skyler tries to stand up, but forgets that Kevin is still sitting on top of him "Get off me, you poor-ass basta-"

"Piss off, r-tard." My brother looks straight at Shelley. "Shelley, please listen to me. I love you."

"It's too late, Kevin."

"Huh? 'Course it's not!"

Right about now, Skyler manages to squirm out from underneath my brother, who, admittedly doesn't weigh that much, and within 0.5 of a second, the pair of them are punching, kicking, spitting, scratching, biting, hair pulling…any fighting move you can think of, however childish and immature, chances are, they'll have managed to work it in somehow. It's completely pathetic, but somehow very, very entertaining. People are shouting, and cheering, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see Stan's Uncle Jimbo taking bets on the winner. The majority seem to be on Kevin's side, but a couple are screaming for Skyler (goodness knows why, but there's no reasoning with some people).

Sigh. Only my brother, in this entire quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mud-hole, pecker-wood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white trash mountain town would get into a fist fight in the middle of a church. Oh well, makes the day more interesting, I suppose.

Karen hands me the tub of Cookie Dough, which makes a pretty good combination with wedding-day wrestling matches, I have to admit.

At this point, my parents come through the church doors, see their oldest son rolling around on the floor with a man ten years his elder, and their younger son, and daughter eating ice cream rather than attempt to stop the fighting, glance at each other…and then start shouting at Kevin to kick Skyler's ass.

Oh holy mother of God…Why do these things happen to me? Why is it that when my brother tries to get his ex-girlfriend back, he ends up on his knees, with his arm twisted up his back, and a gun to his throat.

"I'm gonna teach you a lesson, you fucking son of a whore."

"Skyler, I told you, man: You can't swear in church."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to shoot someone in one, either."

"Shut up, Mark, Jonesy." Skyler cocks the gun.

"SKYLER!!! DON'T!!" Shelley runs over, in her too-high heels, and too-tacky-for-words dress. "I love him!!"

Kevin looks pleased at this. I don't think that he's quite realised that he could die at any moment, which, being immortal or not, hurts too much for anyone's liking.

Skyler takes the gun from Kevin's throat, still holding onto my brother's arm and points it at Shelley.

"Shut the fuck up, Bitch, or I'll shoot you too!!"

In the front row, Stan's dad stands up "You can't do that!!! She's pregnant!!"

"Dad!!!! For fuck's sake I can't believe you just said that!!!"

"Randy, you bastard!! I can't believe you just said that!!!"

"Oh shit! I can't believe I just said that!"

Everyone turns to look at Shelley, who's turned a very pale shade of pale.

Skyler (who's evidently not so dense as he looks) says slowly, "But…we never did it…" Realisation dawns on him. "You fucking whore!!!"

All the colour drains from Kevin's face, "But we only did it a few times…" He keels over, and Skyler turns the gun back to Shelley. But before anything can happen, Stan's Dad, Jimbo, Ned all jump on Skyler, just as he fires the gun. This saves both Shelley and Kevin, but unfortunately, the bullet rebounds off the roof, and goes right into my head.

"Oh my God, that guy killed Kenny!"

"The bastard. GET 'IM!!!"


End file.
